Scary Revelations

I've been feeling very confused, frustrated and downright scared about the future lately. Yeah, I know. I should just live in the moment. Not worry about what's going to happen in two years cause that's not the important thing. Now is important. I know. I've heard it all. Unfortunately, that's not me. I plan. I want to know what's going to happen, how things are going to go. I don't like surprises and last minute plans. That's just me. I wish I could change it. But I can't.
So lately education and relationships have been on my mind. And I'm scared. All my life I've wanted to be a mom and a wife. Always. If you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I was 10, I would have said a mom. I never wanted to be a teacher, or a doctor, or a waitress or anything like that. I wanted to be a mom. As I got a bit older I realized that a career option would be a good plan cause well, as much as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to have something outside of children and husband that I loved. Over my high school years I discovered an interest in law and government. As I got into university, this interest began to include the ways in which law and government affected women and just the lives of women in general. Now, not only do I want to be a mom, but I"d very much like to be an educated woman somwhere in the legal system or government. I'd like to make a difference in the lives of people, especially those of less fortunate, and under privelidged women and children. Its become a passion. For so long, Motherhood was my passion but now I"ve added to that. I've not lost my desire for motherhood, not at all. Its as strong as ever but now it is coupled with being the best woman I can be for myself, my future husband and children and the rest of the world.
So, when I realize that at age 20 (yes, I can hear you saying..."That's not that old" - but when you've been planning for so long...) I've never had a boyfriend of any degree nor has any guy expressed an interest in me; that my law plans may not come to fullfillment; and that I may end up single in a dead end job - I freaked out. I realize that for someone who's able to live completely in the present, or for someone who does not put so much energy and passion into the things they want that this is probably not a big deal. For me, however, it is. And I find it very upsetting when I consider failing at the things I wish to accomplish. I hate the uncertaintly of what I'll do if I don't get into law school...? Where will I go? What will I do? Eventually the issue of money and time comes into play... will I just end up working at Irving or a cell centre for the rest of my life? After spending several thousands on an education? What if law school isn't for me? And I"m just being mislead by my desire to achieve "something"? Am I actually good at something? Is there actually something out there for me? Is there a person out there for me? Or am I just mean to be single and always falling for people who have no interest in me? Am I meant to adopt a couple children and raise them on my own? I hate uncertainty. I WANT to know. I NEED to know. And I don't know how to cope with NOT knowing.
What if I miss it...? What if I completely pass over what is meant for me? What if I pass it up for something that I think is better when really, for me, its not?
And I wonder why my head hurts...

Allow Me to Recommend...

I recently saw a new brand of hair products advertised called Live Clean. Its completely natural, environmentally friendly, vegan and even the bottle's recyclable! Its a bit more expensive but not only is it all of the above, but its actually really good too. I just washed my hair with it and I love it! Its smells awesome for one. And it really made my hair feel clean. I bought the "Fresh Water" line which is essentially a moisturizing line and my hair is moisturized but not the way most shampoos do it. The other conditioner I had been using left my hair very soft and moisturized but it still felt like there was conditioner in it. This stuff makes my hair feel literally squeaky clean. And did I mention it smells great?
I also really like the fact that its vegan. Though I'm not vegan in my eating habits, I do not see the need for animal products of any sort to be in things such as shampoos and cleaning products. I'd really like to see this company come out with soaps and body washes. And vegan makeup would be great too!

Easily Amused

Ever since the first mention of the puddle jumper in Stargate Atlantis, I've giggled. I just get a huge kick out of the name...

My puddlejumper can jump bigger puddles than yours.

Good for a laugh

TBS is airing their Funniest Commericals show. Please allow me to share my favorites:
Smirnoff
Some Life Insurance
Zazoo Comdoms
Sperm Bank
Toyota

Night!

Book Update

I finished Shadowmarch last night! Which is a problem cause now I want to read the next one. I can definetly see why its going to be a trilogy, with an ending like that...
Anyways, as soon as I can afford it, I'll pick up the second one. Which is still in hardcover. And the library here does not seem to have a copy. Which sucks. But oh well, I can wait a bit.
I've now moved onto Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex. Which I"ve been told is very good, so I'm looking forward to it.
Ever forget whether you've seen a movie or not? I distinctly remember wanting to see the Number 23, but now for the life of me... I can't remember if I saw it or not. I think I did... I think.. I remember little parts of what could have been the movie.. though its possibly it was just from trailers.. *sigh... *
Anyways, last day of work before my very full weekend of stuff to do. Later all!

Need Brains?

A man walked into the store this evening wearing this shirt. I glanced at the shirt and then proceeded to glare at him.
Sorry bud you might need it but you ain't gonna be getting anything with that plastered across your chest.

Forgive Me

I grew up listening to country music. When I finally was able to choose the music I listened to, I quicky got away from the country scene.
However, in the last couple days... I've been liking country music. Shameful I know. However, its mostly the newer stuff. So its not like I'm regresssing to Shania Twain or Alabama (though I did remember that Pam Tillis had a couple songs I really liked).
The new country music isn't nearly as country as it used to be. Its alot more poppy I guess, less twangy, guitar centered and cowboyish. And the videos have become very much like the videos you'd see on muchmusic.
So I don't feel ashamed to be listening to it. Cause there actually are a couple good songs. I'm particularly liking Jason McCoy's "She ain't missing missing me". Quite good. And the video for Leann Rimes' "Nothing Better to Do" looks like something you'd see Gwen Stephani doing, what with the choreographed dancing and all.

Early Thursday Morning Observations

You know you're watching too much sci-fi when your dreams involve wormhole physics, time dilation and parallel universes.

As a follow-up to angry teeth: I've been getting angry alot lately. Like fuming mad at little things. Perhaps its time to take the meds.

I fidget alot. I was on the bus yesterday and realized... I can't sit still for more than 30 seconds. It must be terribly annoying for those around me. Any chance I burn lots of calories as a result of my fidgeting?

I do not like that I have to leave my apartment at 6:15am to get to work for 7am. And leave my shift at 3:30pm yet don't get home till 4:30pm.

Grocery Needs

I think I need groceries:
My milk is expired by 2 weeks.
My cheese is blue.
My bread is blue.
My fruit smells very very bad.

Yep... so either I need more groceries, need to buy less when I get 'em or I just need to eat them.

In other news, I've noticed that when I get angry I bite down really hard and it makes my teeth hurt.

Sex in MY City

I have a guilty pleasure: Sex in the City.
Here are the reasons for which this pleasure exists:
1) As much as I dislike large cities, part of me has always wanted to experience the whole "city life" kind of life that the show portrays.
2) I wish I had the guts to be as promiscuous as these women.
3) Its not real. Its so terribly not the way life goes. Some beautiful man does not just come up to you on the street and ask you to dinner. But its so nice to wish that was the way it happened.
4) I want friends like that. Ones I can go to a really nice dinner with and just talk. Ones I can go to when some guy really screws me over (pardon the semi-pun).
5) I love the way Carrie writes, or rather the way Candace Bushnell writes, I'd love to have a column like that.
6) Its nice to have something girly...

The reasons I should not like this show:
All of the above...

Stuff and the Lack Thereof

I haven't updated in a bit. Mostly because there hasn't really been anything to update. Or at least nothing you might want to actually hear about.
Attempted to watch Van Helsing earlier. I couldn't really get into it. That's something about me and movies... if it doesn't catch my interest in the first few minutes and there's no one making me watch it, its unlikely I won't. So I didn't. Well I watched about an hour. But I was doing some other stuff at the time so I really saw none of it.
Did some habitat stuff tonight. Finally got some stuff done. The next few days involve a bunch of stuff too but at least I got some done tonight. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed when I got a bunch of files and information... actually I was downright scared but I think I've got my fears of failure under control and can actually get some stuff done.
I will be really glad when the other co-chair gets back to my province... and same city. My emails tend to be very very long.
Tomorrow is my last day of work until my weekend. Which is very nice.
My co-workers (especially the younger ones) have decided that calling me at home to ask questions is much better than calling the manager... I don't actually mind. I"m usually bored and lonely anyways and it kinda makes me feel important and useful.
I'm exhausted. Its been quite a few nights since I got some sleep so I"m hoping tonight's the night. So off I go. Later.

Loooonnnnggg Day

And I'm too tired and stressed and frustrated to say much more. Going to go hug my pillow. Night.

I love cats.
Its just a fact.
And you should too.
Look.

More Tales of Creepiness

As the perfect follow-up to bus creepiness, I have a tale of cab company creepiness.

Unfortunately true understanding of the situation can only arise from understanding of the whole picture and therefore sit back for a tale of great chaos:
I closed at work on Saturday night. Dad was picking me up so I had to hurry and in the process of hurrying I took home a very important set of keys. I did not however discover these keys until about 2am as I was heading to bed, making it impossible for me to call the open girl and let her know she couldn't open cause I had the keys. So I set my alarm clock for 5:30 am in order to call her as soon as she got to the store. She called me one minute before my alarm was set to go off. We decided she'd come over to my place to get the keys; she'd driven me home several times so it wouldn't be difficult. Or rather, shouldn't have been difficult. Maybe it was because it was 5:30 am, maybe it was because I wasn't in the car with her but for some reason, she couldn't find my place. After sitting outside in my pyjamas for 15 minutes I came back inside and called her: she'd gotten lost and given up. So we decided it'd be easiest for me to have a cab deliver them. Here follows the creepiness:
Me: Hi. Do you deliver things?
Cabman: Yes, depends on what you want delivered.
Me: A set of keys?
Cabman: Sure we can do that.
Me: Great! Ok then, I need a delivery from _____ Street to _____ Irving.
Cabman: Okay! Is this *my name.. or for the purpose of this blog: SusieQ?
Me: Umm... yes...?
Cabman: Okay SusieQ! Someone'll be right over!
Me: Um... Thanks...?

So um... they know my name. This is creepy... and weird... but kinda understandable cause I use that company alot. Anyways... that's my story. And I'm sticking to it.

Crankiness Abounds

Yesterday I took the bus home from work. I knew I"d need to walk part of the way unless I wanted to wait for an hour for the connecting bus to my place. The bus driver came into the store to grab a coffee just as I was heading out. I waited for him since I couldn't get on anyways. He saw me and said: "You can't go home."
I looked at him.... "why not?"
"Cause the bus doesn't go to your ____ street unless you're planning on waiting downtown for an hour or more."
I just stared at him... a bit confused whether to be creeped out by the fact that he knew where I lived or flattered that the bus drivers pay so much attention to their patrons and then I gave him a free coffee. Might as well make friends with the people who drive me home on a regular basis right?
Oh and apparently I don't look a day over eighteen. You know, five years ago people were telling me I looked twenty... apparently I have not aged one bit, in fact I'm getting younger.

Today we had our customer appreciation day. We were giving away t-shirts. I spent most of the day answering "No, sorry Hun; the shirt does not come with me in it".
I was at work for 12 hours today. Wasn't supposed to be there that long, but stuff got busy and there were things that only I could do after the manager left so I said I'd stay and get stuff done. They sent me home however when I started getting grouchy. You would too if you'd have a migraine for your entired 12 hour shift and were running on only 5 hours sleep.
Anyways, company tonight so I must clean. Tootles.

Not Into You

There's a song by Carolyn Dawn Johnson entitled "Into You". I don't know much but shouldn't most of that just be common sense? You know the whole month late for you birthday and the kissing other women thing... but that's just my humble opinion.

Customer Conversations

I've worked alot of customer service positions in my short time in the workforce and I've never enjoyed my customers as much as I do the ones at my present position. I think its partly because of the regulars, you get to know your customers personally: what they take in their coffee, what they smoke, whether they will forget their coffee card everday, where they work etc. And it just makes conversations with them so much more fun. Many of the customers are also quite the characters and by characters I mean flirts. Many of them are truck drivers since we are a truck stop and you know.. I also though it was just my dad who flirted with the waitresses and cashiers when we were away but I was wrong and it can get a whole lot worse. I don't mind it since I know they're just kidding (or at least I hope they are) so I go along with it most of the time... to an extent, being careful though. I promise.
One man has been amusing me greatly lately with his requests for me to run away with him.
The other night he asked me to run away with him. I told him I had to work and couldn't. He said maybe next time and then asked if I'd sing him to sleep. Told him he wouldn't be falling asleep anytime fast with my horrible singing, he replied saying he wasn't planning on sleeping anyways.
Tonight when he came in he asked if I was ready to go. I said I hadn't had time to pack. He said I would definetly not need anything anyways.
I don't know how much longer I can come up with creative excuses. But I get a great kick out of it. Is this man married? If so, I do not want to meet his wife. And does he realize how much trouble he could get in if I thought he wasn't kidding? Anyways... it makes my job fun and makes it probably the best job I've ever had so I'm not gonna complain.
Okay. Off to bed and tomorrow's my day off! Yay!

In Cute News...

Jack's been disappearing lately and I haven't been able to find him. I haven't looked very hard but still its hard to lose a cat in an apartment this small. Today however I found him. My apartment's kinda damp right now so I've got one of my closet door's open and its the one with my close hamper in it. Well today I threw some clothes in their and then I heard this little meowing sound and that's where he's been! He's been sleeping in the clothes hamper. If I can sneak up on him sometime, I'll attach a picture.

***As promised, cute pictures. Not in the hamper but sleepingly cutely nonetheless.

Vanity Insanity

With the wonders of facebook, I've been able to view pictures of a wedding at home that I was unable to go to the other night due to being up here, my working and the whole not being invited thing.
However, I'm very distressed over the pictures a number of the girls have put of from the wedding. Several of the albums of several of the girls consist of over a hundred pictures from the night and out of that 100, about 5-10 of them are of the bride and groom or others in the wedding party. The rest of the pictures are of these girls and their friends all prettied up and posing for the camera.
I find the vanity of these girls terribly disgusting. And it also frustrates me that despite this obvious and blatently potrayed flaw they are still believed and treated as the perfect youth group girls.
I realize I'm no one to talk about perfection or even vanity but I'm sick and tired of hearing about these girls and how wonderful they are because of everything nice they do and I'm sick of seeing pictures of them on facebook where admist their obvious vanity they are being all "christian" and the like.
I would really like to say something to them about it. Just cause it makes me so angry, unfortunately I'd rather not deal with the wrath of some if they saw the comment. But I just might before my day is over... I just might.
Anyways, that's my rant. I just made homemade chicken noodle soup and I'm going to go eat it now. Later.

Sooo...

I"ve had several good cries today. Its not been a good day. Which seems to start with people who say "See ya..." when leaving for a couple years. But let's not talk about that cause my head hurts enough already.
Trained the new guy at work today. Seems to be a nice enough guy. The girls at work were all joking cause I"m the only single one and maybe he'd be available etc cause apparently its a bad thing that I"m single and they've taken it upon themselves to fix that. But anyways... he's a bit young so that ruled that out.
I payed up all my bills the other day! So happy! And I got a book, for free technically as I just used my credit at the used bookstore. I bought Tad Williams' "Shadowmarch". From the excited look on the "leaving one's" face when he saw it this morning and the good things I've heard I believe it should be a good read. And I'm already immensely enjoying it after only the first 100 pages... (of almost 900 I might add...) So once again, "The Hobbit" has been put on hold.
Standoff was on last night. Very good episode, probably one of my favorites yet. And I"m almost finished Stargate, SG1 Season 5. So I'll have to wait a few weeks before season 6 is available for watching. But I"ve got Battlestar Gallactica (I was told I would like it) and several seasons of the XFiles to watch so I should be set. As well as several movies that I get to claim as my own for a couple years. I also want to rewatch Firefly and House...I'm considering cancelling my cable cause I haven't watched it hardly at all though I know once new seasons start coming back that'll change.. but we'll see.
I have a "new to me" dvd player! That is also dying. But it should last awhile longer and by then perhaps I can afford I new one.
Ok. I'm gonna go watch some Stargate. Tootles.