Scary Revelations

I've been feeling very confused, frustrated and downright scared about the future lately. Yeah, I know. I should just live in the moment. Not worry about what's going to happen in two years cause that's not the important thing. Now is important. I know. I've heard it all. Unfortunately, that's not me. I plan. I want to know what's going to happen, how things are going to go. I don't like surprises and last minute plans. That's just me. I wish I could change it. But I can't.
So lately education and relationships have been on my mind. And I'm scared. All my life I've wanted to be a mom and a wife. Always. If you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I was 10, I would have said a mom. I never wanted to be a teacher, or a doctor, or a waitress or anything like that. I wanted to be a mom. As I got a bit older I realized that a career option would be a good plan cause well, as much as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to have something outside of children and husband that I loved. Over my high school years I discovered an interest in law and government. As I got into university, this interest began to include the ways in which law and government affected women and just the lives of women in general. Now, not only do I want to be a mom, but I"d very much like to be an educated woman somwhere in the legal system or government. I'd like to make a difference in the lives of people, especially those of less fortunate, and under privelidged women and children. Its become a passion. For so long, Motherhood was my passion but now I"ve added to that. I've not lost my desire for motherhood, not at all. Its as strong as ever but now it is coupled with being the best woman I can be for myself, my future husband and children and the rest of the world.
So, when I realize that at age 20 (yes, I can hear you saying..."That's not that old" - but when you've been planning for so long...) I've never had a boyfriend of any degree nor has any guy expressed an interest in me; that my law plans may not come to fullfillment; and that I may end up single in a dead end job - I freaked out. I realize that for someone who's able to live completely in the present, or for someone who does not put so much energy and passion into the things they want that this is probably not a big deal. For me, however, it is. And I find it very upsetting when I consider failing at the things I wish to accomplish. I hate the uncertaintly of what I'll do if I don't get into law school...? Where will I go? What will I do? Eventually the issue of money and time comes into play... will I just end up working at Irving or a cell centre for the rest of my life? After spending several thousands on an education? What if law school isn't for me? And I"m just being mislead by my desire to achieve "something"? Am I actually good at something? Is there actually something out there for me? Is there a person out there for me? Or am I just mean to be single and always falling for people who have no interest in me? Am I meant to adopt a couple children and raise them on my own? I hate uncertainty. I WANT to know. I NEED to know. And I don't know how to cope with NOT knowing.
What if I miss it...? What if I completely pass over what is meant for me? What if I pass it up for something that I think is better when really, for me, its not?
And I wonder why my head hurts...

Allow Me to Recommend...

I recently saw a new brand of hair products advertised called Live Clean. Its completely natural, environmentally friendly, vegan and even the bottle's recyclable! Its a bit more expensive but not only is it all of the above, but its actually really good too. I just washed my hair with it and I love it! Its smells awesome for one. And it really made my hair feel clean. I bought the "Fresh Water" line which is essentially a moisturizing line and my hair is moisturized but not the way most shampoos do it. The other conditioner I had been using left my hair very soft and moisturized but it still felt like there was conditioner in it. This stuff makes my hair feel literally squeaky clean. And did I mention it smells great?
I also really like the fact that its vegan. Though I'm not vegan in my eating habits, I do not see the need for animal products of any sort to be in things such as shampoos and cleaning products. I'd really like to see this company come out with soaps and body washes. And vegan makeup would be great too!

Easily Amused

Ever since the first mention of the puddle jumper in Stargate Atlantis, I've giggled. I just get a huge kick out of the name...

My puddlejumper can jump bigger puddles than yours.

Good for a laugh

TBS is airing their Funniest Commericals show. Please allow me to share my favorites:
Smirnoff
Some Life Insurance
Zazoo Comdoms
Sperm Bank
Toyota

Night!

Book Update

I finished Shadowmarch last night! Which is a problem cause now I want to read the next one. I can definetly see why its going to be a trilogy, with an ending like that...
Anyways, as soon as I can afford it, I'll pick up the second one. Which is still in hardcover. And the library here does not seem to have a copy. Which sucks. But oh well, I can wait a bit.
I've now moved onto Jeffrey Eugenides' Middlesex. Which I"ve been told is very good, so I'm looking forward to it.
Ever forget whether you've seen a movie or not? I distinctly remember wanting to see the Number 23, but now for the life of me... I can't remember if I saw it or not. I think I did... I think.. I remember little parts of what could have been the movie.. though its possibly it was just from trailers.. *sigh... *
Anyways, last day of work before my very full weekend of stuff to do. Later all!

Need Brains?

A man walked into the store this evening wearing this shirt. I glanced at the shirt and then proceeded to glare at him.
Sorry bud you might need it but you ain't gonna be getting anything with that plastered across your chest.

Forgive Me

I grew up listening to country music. When I finally was able to choose the music I listened to, I quicky got away from the country scene.
However, in the last couple days... I've been liking country music. Shameful I know. However, its mostly the newer stuff. So its not like I'm regresssing to Shania Twain or Alabama (though I did remember that Pam Tillis had a couple songs I really liked).
The new country music isn't nearly as country as it used to be. Its alot more poppy I guess, less twangy, guitar centered and cowboyish. And the videos have become very much like the videos you'd see on muchmusic.
So I don't feel ashamed to be listening to it. Cause there actually are a couple good songs. I'm particularly liking Jason McCoy's "She ain't missing missing me". Quite good. And the video for Leann Rimes' "Nothing Better to Do" looks like something you'd see Gwen Stephani doing, what with the choreographed dancing and all.